*Each character may be played by an actor of any gender.*

Martin “Grandpa” Vanderhof (60-70s): Father of Penny, grandfather of Alice and Essie. An eccentric, happy old man who lives life to the fullest and doesn’t believe in income tax.

Penelope “Penny” Sycamore (40-50s): Mother of Alice and Essie, wife of Paul, daughter of Martin. Gentle. Constantly thinking of the welfare of her family. Loves to paint and write plays and is terrible at both.

Essie Carmichael (late 20s): Alice’s older sister. Pixie-like air about her. Makes and sells candy with her husband, Ed. Dreams of being a ballerina. Has studied ballet for 8 years and has little to show for it.

Rheba (20-30s): Dating Donald, and has become a part of the family household.

Paul Sycamore (40-50s): Husband of Penny. Quiet charm and youthful air. A tinkerer. Manufactures fireworks in the basement with his assistant, Mr. De Pinna.

Mr. De Pinna (30-50s): Iceman for the Vanderhof household. Came inside to speak to Paul after an ice delivery 8 years ago and never left. Helps Paul build fireworks and models for Penny’s paintings.

Ed Carmichael (20-30s): Husband of Essie. Amateur printer who prints anything that sounds “catchy”. Distributes Essie’s candies and plays the xylophone.

Donald (20-30s): Dating Rheba, and has become a part of the household.

Alice Sycamore (early 20s): Daughter of Penny and Paul, granddaughter of Martin, sister of Essie. “Normal”. It’s clear she has experienced life outside of the Vanderhof home. Slightly pessimistic. Works in an office. Engaged to Tony. Embarrassed by the eccentricities of her family though she is devoted to them and loves them dearly.

Wilbur C. Henderson (20-50s): IRS employee who struggles to understand Martin’s view on income tax.

Tony Kirby (20s): Engaged to Alice. Yale and Cambridge graduate, and Vice President of his father’s business, though there’s a hint of a dreamer about him. Loves the Vanderhof family and all of their eccentricities.

Boris Kolenkhov (30-50s): Russian ballet instructor who escaped to the United States before the Russian Revolution. Political and philosophical. Opinionated and imposing. Realizes Essie is hopeless when it comes to dancing but continues to teach her because Boris sees that it brings her joy.

Gay Wellington (Any age): An actor who Penny invited over for a play reading after they met riding the bus. Imbibes greatly.

Anthony Kirby (40-50s): Father of Tony, husband of Miriam. President of his own business. A member of Harvard Society, the Union Club, the National Geographic Society, and the Racquet Club. Secretly despises his work. Openly loves raising orchids.

Miriam Kirby (40-50s): Mother of Tony, wife of Anthony. Horrified by the Vanderhof home. Prim and proper, though unsatisfied.  

G-Man 1/The Man, G-Man 2/Jim, G-Man 3/Mac (Any age): Government agents who come to investigate Ed due to the messages printed inside the candy boxes he distributed.

Grand Duchess Olga Katrina (40-70s): A Grand Duchess of Russia before the Revolution. Fled to the United States. Loves to cook, and now waits tables for money. Through all of this, once a Grand Duchess, always a Grand Duchess.